


To Forget Yourself

by plikki



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Identity Reveal, but only partial, identity crisis, that's one tag I never thought I'd use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plikki/pseuds/plikki
Summary: What happens if you forget a part of yourself? A part deeply ingrained in you and the only one you show to the world. How will people react to what has so far been hidden from them and how will you manage to find a middle ground between that and the other you?
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 71
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm afraid this note might be longer than the first chapter but well, you know me.  
> The idea for this was born by a casual thought, one I think most of you have had too. Can you imagine Adrien acting the way Chat does as himself? Of course it will be funny and confusing to everyone, but how can that happen?  
> Then I thought of the part in Sandboy about them having different nightmares as civilians and as superheroes. As if their two identities are somehow separated in their minds. So I thought, what if somehow Adrien forgets his civilian identity? But not entirely, since it's not possible, after all he's still Adrien when he is Chat. Only the way he acts, the way he's supposed to act as himself. So he just stops pretending to be what everyone expects him to be and lets his wilder side run free.  
> I was convinced this was going to be funny, because as I wrote this and thought of other scenes to come after that, I laughed. But then, it wasn't just funny anymore. It turns out there will be some angst here, because identity crisis and conflict, hello!  
> Well, so much for introduction. This chapter is just to set it all up. I hope you like this idea!

Adrien woke up feeling the way he did on every ordinary morning, apart for a slight headache. Nothing about the start of the day could have prepared him for what lay ahead. 

His banter with Plagg was the usual, about stinky cheese and the bottomless pit that was his stomach. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Breakfast, which he had alone on the big dining table, was the usual affair too. At least to him. Until Nathalie was by his side, a hand poised to take the empty plate and a frown on her face.

"Are you alright, Adrien?" She asked. He just shrugged.

"Perfectly fine," he said, not even noticing the way he exaggerated the r, like he usually did. But Nathalie just looked at him even more strangely. 

"You just seem a bit... restless this morning," she said slowly. "Drumming your fingers on the table, then using the fork to drum a beat against the plate, and I swear I just heard you whistle?" She said that questioningly, like she wasn't sure herself if she'd seen or heard right. It was his turn to give her a suspicious look. Was there anything wrong with her? Yes, he was a fidgeter, but he couldn't help it. It drove Ladybug crazy sometimes but she was mostly used to him by now. It was strange that Nathalie wasn't since he'd known her longer than his partner. 

"Nothing's wrong," he told her as he got up. "Gotta dash," he added as he went to take his school bag.

He noticed his bodyguard looking at him in the rear-view mirror a few times on the way to school, but he didn't think too much about it, he was busy enjoying the wind in his hair as it blew in through the window he'd just opened. There was something soothing about it and he didn't think there was anything strange about the fact that he'd asked his bodyguard to turn off the air-conditioner and had opted for fresh air instead. 

When he arrived at school, he saw his friends talking in front of the building. As he approached them, he grinned and waved at them. 

"How's everyone?" He greeted them. He totally didn't expect them to stare at him like that. Had he put his shirt on the wrong way or something? Marinette in particular looked in a daze. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, his smile dimming. Alya shot her friend a look and then said,

"Don't mind her, she's just a little dazzled. But are you ok? You seem a little... overjoyed."

He had no idea what she meant. But then they headed inside and he asked Nino about this as the girls walked in front of them, whispering to each other. 

"What did Alya mean?" Nino was his best friend, he'd tell him if he had done anything wrong, right?

"I think we just haven't seen you smile so wide... Ever," came his confusing reply. Huh. So much for clearing things up. Adrien thought this was really strange but let it drop. 

The rest of the day was mostly uneventful, except for a couple of confused remarks by teachers regarding his inability to sit still in class. They have made his classmates stare at him as if he was an alien. It was still not enough to make him start questioning himself, but it left him feeling uneasy. Everyone was acting like they hadn't met him before, how was that possible?

He tried to shake it off as he said goodbye to his friends. He plastered a smile to his face and told Alya and Marinette,

"See you tomorrow, ladies," and added a wink for good measure. He saw them share a look, but left before they could say anything. He had a photo-shoot to get to after all.

He'd hoped at least that one would be normal. He might not enjoy doing photo-shoots that much but he was used to them by now and they didn't require any effort on his part. But somehow he couldn't get even this right, according to the photographer. He had paused midway, saying with a smile that while the young ladies out there would certainly appreciate the look he had going, his father wouldn't exactly be "wild" about it. When Adrien, perplexed, had asked him what he meant, he'd raised an eyebrow and asked if he really thought that his father would approve of the smouldering looks he'd been giving the camera. For Adrien, this was the last straw. He'd had enough. He had no idea what was wrong with him or everyone else but it was too much.

Seeing him this distressed, the photographer had surprisingly relented and told him to take a break. Adrien used the time to seek guidance from the only one he could talk to. 

"Plagg, what is happening? Why is everyone so confused by the way I act today? I haven't done anything strange, I'm sure." Because he knew himself, right? He'd know if something was not as it should be. 

The kwami just looked at him for a solid minute, making him nervous. 

"You mean that this was not intentional?" He asked finally.

"What do you mean by 'this'?"

"I thought you'd decided to channel your inner Chat Noir for fun, but judging by your face right now, this was not the case."

"You mean to tell me that I don't act like that all the time?" Adrien asked, feeling dread fill his heart. If he didn't see anything strange about the way he acted and everyone else did, the problem was most certainly him. 

"If you're asking me this, you must have hit your head harder than I thought yesterday," Plagg said. He didn't look concerned, but then again he rarely did.

Adrien, on the other hand, needed to sit down. The thing was his memories of the previous day were a bit blurry. As were most of his recent ones. And there was this dull ache that hadn't left him all day. It was not enough to cause a big discomfort or worry but it was there. And if what Plagg had said was true and he had hit his head, it meant something could be terribly wrong. Something that made him act in a way unrecognisable to most people all while he felt normal and couldn't pinpoint what was out of place. He had already attracted attention with his strange behaviour. And he feared this could turn ugly very quickly if he didn't do anything about it. The thing was, he could think of only one person who could help him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien takes an outside look at his life and decides he doesn't like it that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know who I was kidding when I thought that this would be fun. Writing this chapter was really painful. It made me feel so sad. But well, it was necessary to give this story more substance and I hope it serves its purpose.

That evening, he’d felt too drained to seek Ladybug and talk to her. And also, there was still that hope that he’d imagined all this. That there was nothing wrong with him, that everything will be back to normal the next day. But he wasn’t one to fool himself and he knew he’d have to face the music very soon.

He tried to keep himself in check as best he could while at home, because the last thing he needed was for his father to be involved in all this. It was inevitable, he knew, but he wanted to understand better the situation he was in before this happened. 

But once he was at school, he got distracted. And obviously started doing things wrong again. He tried, he could swear he tried, but it was as if he had no filter. There he was, talking with Alya about a project they had to do as a group. He was glad he hadn’t lost his mental capacity along with some of his memories, because then school would be a different kind of challenge. So there he was, trying to take solace from this fact, when he noticed that Marinette was not participating in the discussion. In fact, she had a dreamy expression on her face and was looking at him? She blushed when she realised that she’d been caught and he smiled. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew he shouldn’t tease her. He didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. But he really couldn’t help himself.

“Am I distracting you, Marinette?” he asked, still smiling. “What is it? My dashing good looks finally got to you?” Alya snorted as Marinette’s face got even more red. 

“Adrien, you should know better than to ask poor Marinette such things,” Alya tutted. And he was sure he did know better, usually, although he didn’t remember it. He knew Marinette had her moments and he was certain it had nothing to do with him. He didn’t know how the old him would have reacted but it was clear it wasn’t in this way. Even Nino was looking at him as if he was seeing him for the first time. 

And while he couldn’t understand why they were so surprised by his words, he felt the need to apologise. 

“I’m sorry, this was obviously out of line,” he told Marinette. She still looked shell-shocked, apparently rendered speechless by his behaviour. In an attempt to make things right, he took her hand as he continued. “If there is any way I can make it up to you, just tell me,” he said as he brought her hand to his lips. His eyes were still on her, gauging her reaction. Her own eyes widened and her mouth fell open but no words came out. Alya laughed out loud this time.

“Dude,” Nino said as he let go of Marinette’s hand, this time feeling embarrassed himself. 

“I think you broke Marinette,” Alya joked as her friend continued to stare at him. He wanted to hide somewhere, where he wouldn’t be able to make a fool of himself. Because obviously this was all he could do at the moment. 

“It-it’s ok,” Marinette stammered finally, still red in the face but smiling a wobbly smile. “I’m fine.” 

But in her eyes he could suddenly see comprehension. Something about the way he acted resonated with her. He was sure she couldn’t understand why he was like this, but she also didn’t seem appalled. Just confused. 

He offered a hesitant smile in return, but then their teacher arrived and he had to turn around. 

He kept to himself for the rest of the day, afraid that he’d cause another embarrassing situation. But at the end, it only found him on its own. He was just about to leave, when Chloe strode up to him. Internally, he groaned. At least he had the presence of mind not to do it out loud. But what happened afterwards wasn’t much better.

“Adrikins, are you avoiding me?” she asked and he was taken aback by the effort she put into sounding so cheerful. He knew they were friends but like with everything else, he’d forgotten how he’d treated her before. What was the normal pattern of their friendship, he had no idea. From what he could remember, he’d always been willing to give her a chance to prove herself as a superhero and he knew she had some redeeming qualities. But right now he was just too confused and worried to deal with her. 

“I’m sorry, Chloe, but I’m just not in the mood for chit-chat,” he said. He saw hurt flash through her eyes, only for a second, but it was enough to make him realise he’d made yet another mistake. He couldn’t remember, but it was clear that old Adrien had more patience for her than what he was displaying right now and she’d expected a different reaction. He also saw Sabrina stiffen next to her and hoped he hadn’t hurt her by proxy. Knowing Chloe, he’d seen it before - if she felt wronged, she could take it out on her friend. 

“Of course, you must be very busy. See you tomorrow then!” Chloe said with what was obviously a fake smile. He wanted to make things right but he just didn’t know how so it was better just to leave them as they were instead of making them even worse by accident.

When he got home, he felt dejected. The day had taken its toll on him, what with him obviously being unable to talk with his friends normally. But before he could wallow in self-pity, he was called to his father’s office. His blood ran cold. He really, really hoped he hadn’t done some major haux pas he wasn’t even aware of and would have to be berated for now. He’d tried to be careful, but it was like navigating a minefield, he never knew where danger lay. 

It was funny how he didn’t remember how he acted in front of his father as Adrien, but still felt like hiding somewhere instead of facing him. 

“Father,” he said as he entered the room. 

“I had a phone call about your photo-shoot yesterday,” he said without preamble and Adrien had a feeling this was how things went usually. His mind whirled. Had the photographer complained about something? Apart from their small talk and his untimely break, it had gone well, he believed. But obviously there was something. “It was brought to my attention that I might want to consider widening the range of themes I include in your photo-shoots because the photographer noticed a certain “enthusiasm” in you,” he looked at him as he said that and it was clear he didn’t really approve of the word and what it entailed. Adrien didn’t understand that, because for him enjoying what he did was important. And while he’d felt a bit disheartened after the photographer’s remarks, he’d really enjoyed himself before that. He didn’t mind the attention, he didn’t mind slipping into a role and well, he even got carried away because of it. In a way he hadn’t in the past, it seemed. 

“Well, I had a lot of fun doing the photo-shoot actually, but I don’t know how the final photos turned out, I have no feedback on that,” Adrien said. His father’s gaze on him sharpened and he realised too late he’d once again said the wrong thing. 

“It’s not your job to get feedback,” came the cold reply. “You know perfectly well you have to go there, do what you have to do and leave the rest to us. If you have to do something more, I’ll tell you. If you do something wrong, you’ll be informed. Although this hasn’t happened. Before.” The stress on the last word was not lost on him. 

“Have I done something wrong?” He asked, because how was he supposed to do the right thing if he didn’t even know what it was? He also felt really uncomfortable as he listened to the way his father described the way he usually acted and was supposed to act. It was as if he wasn’t treated as a person, with his own wishes and opinions, but as a doll that was to be shown around and admired but was not expected to answer back. He felt sick to the stomach as he thought of this. 

“You know you should do what you’re told to do. Don’t cause trouble and interfere with other people’s work. There hasn’t been a problem with that in the past.” 

Adrien had to bite back a curse. There it was, his suspicion confirmed. He had no trouble following orders, as his work with Ladybug showed, but he also wanted the freedom to express his opinion and to act on his own accord when necessary. He didn’t feel comfortable being ordered around just for the hell of it. Especially with that attitude. Probably his old self would have apologised for disturbing his father’s carefully structured plans and his busy life with such small acts of rebellion. But he didn’t find it in him to do it now. 

“I’ll have a closer look into that photo-shoot and if there is more you should know, you’ll be told,” his father concluded, effectively dismissing him. 

Adrien really didn’t like the picture that was forming of his old self, he thought as he got back to his room. He seemed to be a rather bland person. No one expected him to draw attention to himself or show any kind of emotion. He wasn’t supposed to make casual jokes, even with his friends. He was to think of everyone else before himself, putting his needs last. And he did what he was told to do. How sad was that? 

Of course, he knew he was far from perfect. The way he got on his lady’s nerves spoke volumes about that. He sometimes wished he wasn’t that impulsive, because it often got him into trouble. And there was nothing wrong with being polite and thinking of the others, instead of letting your bad mood ruin other people’s day too. But he didn’t think it was ok to feel stifled, locked in a cage and not allowed to just live. And that was the feeling he got of his past life. 

When the akuma attack came, it felt like a blessing in disguise. Because of course he didn’t want to face another victim of Hawk Moth, risk his own and his lady’s lives. But he welcomed the distraction from the horrible mess that was his life at the moment. And there he’d be in his element, there would be fewer opportunities to mess things up, right? 

Wrong, he realised much too soon. The akuma was fierce and they were getting nowhere, forced to separate and recharge before they tried again. He was waiting for Plagg to eat his cheese when he saw Marinette walking nearby. She had this very determined look on her face and obviously had a goal in mind. But his first reaction was to remove her from harm’s way. She had no business being that close to where the akuma was wreaking havoc. And once again he was acting before thinking things through. 

“Marinette, you should get out of here!” He said as he intercepted her path. She looked shocked and of course she would be, he realised, since he wasn’t supposed to be there too! But it was too late. 

“A-adrien? What are you doing here?” She asked. 

“Taking you out of harm’s way, obviously,” he said, taking her hand and leading her away. Acting on auto-pilot again. “It’s dangerous, you shouldn’t be so close to the akuma. Leave Ladybug and Chat Noir to take care of it.”

“And what about you?” She asked, in a surprisingly defiant way. 

“It’s my job to save damsels in distress, of course,” he said and winked at her. “Or purrincesses in need of a knight in shining armour,” he added, chuckling. He expected an unimpressed look on her face, this was usually what he got from her. But instead she was staring at him in a rather intent way. Looking into his eyes as if searching for something. 

He realised too late he’d made a big blunder. It was ok for Chat to act like that. But obviously not him. And if there was one person who could see a red flag because of his behaviour, it was Marinette, since she’d interacted with him in his superhero form more than any other civilian. 

He tried to laugh it off, albeit a bit stiffly.

“Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to be helpful. I obviously think I’m too important or something. Which I’m not. Of course you can take care of yourself, but I was worried about you. I’ll feel better knowing you’re out of harm’s way.”

She visibly softened at his words. He hoped it was enough to convince her there was nothing more there, just him being an idiot. 

“I’ll be fine, but thank you,” she said and she was off. 

He wished he could make sure she’d get home safe but he had to get back to that akuma. And after that, hopefully, manage to talk to his lady about all this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - the reveal, which I hope will lighten up things, at least a bit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien unexpectedly finds an ally to help him in his complicated situation.

Adrien felt really unbalanced as he joined Ladybug, but then he saw the look on her face and he knew he was in trouble. He had no idea what he’d done wrong this time. His mistakes were too many to count already and he really had no energy left to keep track anyway. 

She didn’t say anything, just shook her head and they went to find the akuma. He was resigned to his fate, although he didn’t know yet what it was. Thankfully, the akuma had lost some of their vigour and they could finally take it down even feeling out of sorts as they were. 

When it was all over, they shared a glance and headed to a rooftop. They were both running out of time, but they’d deal with that when the time came. 

“I have something to tell you, but I sense that there is something wrong with you. I’m worried as it is, so you tell me first,” she said, her voice surprisingly gentle. 

“I don’t even know what to say,” he said. “It’s so incredibly crazy. But from what Plagg told me, something happened the other day, which may be the cause for all this. Since I don’t really remember it clearly, you tell me what it was.”

“Oh,” she gasped, a hand flying to her mouth. “I didn’t even think of that! I was sure you were alright.” He looked questioningly at her and she continued, “You hit your head pretty bad, I have to admit. But the Miraculous Ladybugs are supposed to heal everything, right? And you said you were fine after that so I didn’t think twice about it. Tell me what’s wrong,” she urged him.

“I guess I was fine at first, but when I woke up the next day it turned out that I kind of missed half of my life. I don’t know if that makes sense. But I’m just finding out that I obviously act very differently in real life, compared to how I do with you or as Chat Noir in general. And I somehow forgot my normal behaviour. Now I’m doing everything wrong. And people are starting to notice. And I’m afraid I’m going to compromise my identity eventually, especially with someone who knows me better as Chat,” he finished, finally sharing his biggest fear. Because while everyone looking at him strangely was not nice and he could really get in trouble if he was not careful, someone finding out he was a superhero would be a real disaster. He’d expected Ladybug to be mad at him or agitated because of how serious this was. But she just looked at him sadly. 

“I… I think it’s too late for that. Adrien,” she said softly, as if what she was saying didn’t have the power to turn his world upside down. She knew.

“But how?” He somehow managed to say around the panic rising in him. He wanted to know what he’d done wrong but also he was afraid of her reaction. 

“I did notice you were acting strangely at school,” she started. School? She went to school with him, he thought frantically. “But it wasn’t until earlier today that I got really suspicious. As in, I was sure something was wrong because you clearly didn’t do it on purpose and didn’t want me to figure it out, but I did anyway. Your talk about damsels in distress gave and princesses gave you away, if you’re wondering,” she said with a smile. 

“Marinette?” he whispered, because there was no other possibility. 

“Yeah,” she said, shrugging. Wow. He obviously needed some time to come to terms with this revelation and the happiness blossoming inside of him. But before he could do it, panic kicked in again.

“Oh God. I can’t believe this is happening. I was so careless. I’m sorry, m’lady. Don’t be mad at me,” he pleaded. 

“I’m not, I promise. I know it was completely out of your control. And you were right, I don’t think anyone else would be that suspicious. Although you have to be careful. It was just that I know you too well,” she chuckled. He felt unbelievable relief. Because her reaction was so much better than what he’d feared. But as much as he was happy about this, that they finally knew, it didn’t exactly solve his biggest problem. He frowned at that. 

“I know what you’re thinking. We’ll get to the bottom of this and make things right, I promise, kitty,” she said. 

Just as she said that, their Miraculouses gave their final warnings and their superhero disguises were no longer there in a blink of an eye. They stared at each other for a second, because knowing and seeing it with their own eyes were different things. Wow, again. 

“Thank kwamis for that,” Plagg said then, breaking the spell. “I was getting worried and this is not a good look on me,” he added. “I hope you’ll manage to get this right together. I don’t mind Adrien acting more like his real self that all the time, but I’d prefer it if he didn’t live in a constant state of panic too.”

That was when Adrien realised something.

“Hey! You obviously know the old me,” he exclaimed turning towards Ladybug, well, Marinette again. “That’s how I refer to myself as I obviously acted before, just so you know. This means that you can help me figure out what I do wrong. More than Plagg.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I’m asleep most of the time you’re doing your boring things,” Plagg protested.

“Oh dear, this will be fun,” he heard Tikki mutter then. He shot her a confused look. 

“I’m sure Marinette would love helping you get to know yourself better,” she said with an enigmatic smile. 

“Just ignore her,” Marinette said quickly, looking a little flustered. “Ok. So… Adrien. You’re ... more moderate, I guess. Polite, considerate. Your every move seems measured. You always look calm and steady.” She paused for a second, looking thoughtful. “I never thought this meant you just swallowed all the emotions you felt and tried very hard not to show them. I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

He just shrugged. He’d had only a glimpse into what that felt like and he didn’t like it either.

“You are, hm, shy? I mean, I never could have imagined that Adrien could be a flirt,” she blurted out then, her face going red again. He laughed. He’d already guessed that much from her reactions to his behaviour. “And you never came across as vain. I mean, for a model. Like, you must know you’re good-looking, well, you obviously do… “ she had to pause again, looking away. “Can you just kill me now?” she muttered. 

“Hey, it’s ok,” he said, swallowing his amusement. 

“I can’t believe I just told you, Chat you, that you’re good-looking. Can we forget it happened?” It was a good thing the kwamis had left them alone or Plagg would have teased her, no doubt about it.   
“I don’t see anything wrong with you saying it, but ok, if you insist,” he agreed good-naturedly. 

“Ok, so back to Adrien. I meant to say that you never paraded it or something.” Her eyes were pleading him to understand what she meant as she looked at him again.

“Like I obviously do as Chat. I get it.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, just not something one would expect from your civilian self,” she added.

“I already gathered as much. I obviously didn’t act accordingly during a photo-shoot,” he said, making it clear he didn’t approve of the assessment of this. 

And quite suddenly Marinette started laughing and didn’t seem able to stop. 

“What is so funny?” he felt offended although he didn’t know the reason for her laughter.

“I… “ she gasped, “I’m just imagining you acting as Chat Noir during a photo-shoot. I can’t… “ she burst into laughter again. In fact, he could see tears running down her face. He felt indignant, because, well, the joke was on him, but he also found her laughter really contagious. He couldn’t remember hearing her laugh like that. Not minding how she looked, not conscious of who was watching her. It was nice.

“I’m glad you find this funny,” he said as her laughter finally died down. “But it almost got me into trouble with my father.”

This helped her sober up quickly.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s not funny. I couldn’t help myself. Your father… he obviously has a different idea about how you should act. I got the impression he doesn’t condone emotional outbursts. And you’re the epitome of emotional. No wonder it’s all bursting out of you when you’re Chat. Oh God, it must be hell, living like this,” she said, sympathy in her voice.

He smiled sadly at her. 

“Why do I feel like I was wearing a mask not only when I was Chat?” he said. 

“You probably have a feeling that nobody really knows you,” she said, placing a comforting had on his arm. 

“Except you,” he said, looking pointedly at her.

“Don’t. I already feel bad enough about the fact that I never considered the possibility that you may not be what you seem to be. Or at least not entirely. It’s true there are also a lot of similarities between Adrien-you and Chat-you. Kind, attentive, brave, self-sacrificing, it’s all you” she said and it was his turn to blush. 

“It’s my fault, for acting so differently, I guess,” he said in response. 

“I don’t think this is it. You know your father’s expectations. And he can be quite a formidable figure. You obviously didn’t like it, but didn’t want to confront him about it too. So you just played along. Until it was too late to change it.”

He wanted to believe her, but he also didn’t like the idea that he’d let himself be moulded like that. And the fact that he felt the need to rebel too late. If he’d never become Chat Noir, would he have thought of being different at all or he would have spent his life trying to please everyone else and losing his true self in the process?

“I don’t know what to do now,” he admitted. 

“Before we tackle this existential crisis, I suggest we go see a doctor about that hit you took. Maybe they’d be able to tell us something helpful.” It was no surprise that she offered a practical solution, this was her forte.

“You don’t think this would attract attention?” He was sure it would get back to his father somehow and he didn’t want this.

“We’ll go as Ladybug and Chat Noir, of course.” she said. “And there is doctor-patient confidentiality, so… don’t worry about that.”

He felt a bit lighter, knowing he had something to do, a potential solution. One step at a time. 

“Thank you so much,” he told Marinette. “For being here for me, for understanding. I feel a bit better now, when I’m not alone in all this.” 

Surprisingly, she hugged him. He relaxed into her, accepting the comfort she offered him.

“Of course you’re not alone,” she said, still not letting him go. “You’re my best friend, my partner. We’ll deal with this together.”

His heart swelled with love. It was everything, holding her like that, feeling her support. And well, his feelings hadn’t exactly changed. The way he felt about her still went way beyond friendship. But if this was all she could offer him, he was happy. And with everything else on his mind now, it wasn’t the moment for romantic confessions too, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to write a reveal without them basically declaring their love to each other and kissing??? It must be a miracle! (feel free to laugh, but I have to admit it felt strange. But again, the story demanded it, I think.)  
> Also, I really want to be able to continue to update this daily, but it's really hard to find time to write right now. So I'm sorry in advance for any delays.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien finds out that memory and emotions are a complicated thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I somehow managed to steal some time to write this! I hope you like today's lecture 😋

It turned out it was surprisingly easy to arrange a consultation with a leading neurologist when you were Paris’ favourite superhero duo, even at short notice. Of course, everything had to be arranged discreetly because they didn’t want to cause alarm. And also, it was not a good idea for it to be widely known that one of them had a problem, because their enemies were on the lookout for any sign of weakness as it was. 

The middle-aged women that welcomed them into her office seemed calm and collected. Also, she looked like someone who could easily win their confidence, which was something Adrien appreciated. After all they were two teenagers trapped in a confusing and rather worrisome situation. They could use some adult guidance from a person who did not act condescendingly. 

“You know everything you have to say will be just between you and me, so feel free to share your worries,” she said when they were seated.

Adrien shared a look with Marinette, who just nodded encouragingly. 

“Well, it appears that I suffered a blow to the head, which proved to be more serious than we first expected. I felt fine afterwards, but woke up on the next day with some of my memories missing. It’s not about forgetting details about my life, like where I live or when I was born. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I lost half of my personality traits. I acted in a way I considered normal but people’s reactions showed me that something was wrong. After I discussed this with Ladybug she confirmed that this seems to be the case too. So we decided it was best to seek some medical advice,” he finished. 

“You made a wise decision. So, any other symptoms, anything that worries you, apart from the memory loss?” The doctor asked. 

“I had a headache when I woke up that morning, which persisted throughout the first day. It wasn’t a sharp or unbearable pain, more like a dull ache. But it went away on its own. Nothing apart from that.”

“No nausea or loss of consciousness?” 

“No.” 

“Well, a concussion can’t be ruled out yet. We can do an MRI scan to make sure there is no permanent damage, but from what you say, it was most likely temporary.”

“But my memories are still gone?” Adrien said, unsure. The doctor frowned.

“Yes, unfortunately memory is unpredictable like that. I’ll be honest with you. We claim to know the human body very thoroughly, but unfortunately, for the most part, the brain remains a mystery. We can trace physical changes or anomalies in it but when it comes to the human mind, we can only make guesses. It’s very hard to predict how it’s going to behave after a trauma. Or for what period of time any changes will remain in place. It’s hard, almost impossible, to say if a memory loss can be reversed or not. In most cases, it’s a very individual experience.”

It was his turn to frown because so far he hadn’t learned anything useful. 

“I know this may not seem very helpful,” the doctor said, probably in response to his expression. “While this causes difficulties because there is no universal treatment and it’s hard to give predictions, it’s also something positive. Because it means everyone deals with this differently. A case may seem hopeless and then the person can make a miraculous recovery,” she said with a smile. 

“So is there anything we can do to help him?” Ladybug asked.

“My usual advice in such cases is to wait. You have to be patient. Most of the time, when it comes to problems with memory, it is a matter of time. The brain has amazing abilities to heal itself. But this usually takes time. Then, there is also the issue of whether the patient wants to be healed.”

“What do you mean?” Adrien asked, because he didn’t like the sound of that.

“This is more the area of expertise of psychologists. But when it comes to memory loss, very often there is some emotional trauma involved. The human brain has defensive mechanisms that help it deal with trauma that is too hard to process. It usually blocks a very traumatic memory until we are ready to deal with it. In some cases, it may never happen. Sometimes it’s childhood trauma or a near-death experience. Other times, it’s something we don’t really notice, a persistent stress that builds up until we can no longer deal with it. A sort of a burnout. Not necessarily related only to a professional environment. It’s hard to determine what the cause is, because in most cases patients aren’t aware of it. So it’s hard to deal with it. I can recommend you see a psychologist if you feel you need to talk about it more extensively.”

“So there isn’t much I can actually do?” Adrien asked, quickly losing hope.

“Well, we can have that scan for a start. That way we will know if there are any physical symptoms that need to be treated. Other than that, unfortunately, yes, there isn’t much you can do. Sometimes memory returns because of another trauma. It doesn’t have to be a physical one. If it’s an emotional reaction, suppressing something we can’t deal with on an emotional level, it can be unlocked by an emotional experience. So like I said, time is your best ally. I understand that it’s not convenient, because it disrupts your life. But I hope you’ll manage to minimise the disruptions.”

“Thank you for your time, doctor,” Marinette said as they stood up. 

“Let me give you directions and call ahead so they expect you for the scan,” she responded. “One more thing. Let’s not forget who you are. I’m not going to pretend that I understand how this superhero business works. Obviously, there is something supernatural at play. And I guess it has something to do with the strange kind of memory loss you’re experiencing. So maybe this will play a part too. In a way we can’t foresee,” she concluded.

Adrien tried not to feel too low but it was hard. He’d hoped he’d get some useful advice. And while he was thankful for everything the doctor had told them, it only served to make him feel worse about himself.

Once they were done with the scan, they left the hospital and headed to one of their usual hangout places. 

“So,” Marinette said when they sat down. Her eyes were full of sympathy. 

“So. Apparently I’m so messed up that my brain decided to block a part of me,” he said, sighing. The last thing he wanted was her pity, but he also couldn’t help it. 

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not your fault,” Marinette said, taking his hand in hers. “Also, we don’t know for a fact if this is really the case now.”

“But it makes sense, don’t you think? From what I can gather, my life was complicated to say the least. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. Or avoided the warnings. And it all became too much.”

“Whatever it is, it’s most probably caused by external factors,” she said, which was one way of calling his father. Or his way of life as a whole. “And us being superheroes doesn’t really help. I mean, there are days when I hardly know myself too. 

“But this concerns me! I’m not entirely blameless too. I should have taken better care of myself!” He said, suddenly exasperated. He was sick of all this. Of not knowing who he really was. Of not doing the right thing. Of not knowing how to fix it.

“You don’t realise how hard it is to take care of yourself when you can’t see what the pressure does to you. I’m not saying that you didn’t play a part in it. But I also know for a fact that you barely talk to anyone about your life at home. And about how you really feel. So you don’t have the outsider perspective too. There are things you can’t see for yourself. Until you no longer remember them, I guess.”

“What do we do now?” He asked. He hated doing this. Putting that kind of pressure on her, to help him, to give him hope, to give him a direction. But he felt lost and she was the only one he could look up to for guidance. 

Her eyes softened and her hand squeezed his. 

“We wait. And adapt. We don’t know how long a wait we’re in for, but we can make the most of it. I’ll help you in any way I can. Together we’ll try to make your life more bearable. We’ll try to make it so you won’t arouse suspicion. But you’ll still make some changes. Small things that will make it easier for you to be yourself.”

He shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course she’d find a way. Not to solve every problem. But to make it better. She was amazing like that. And he was blessed to have her there with him. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, because he didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t enough, but her warm smile told him she understood. And it somehow made him feel more hopeful. Maybe not all was lost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may seem random, but it's something interesting I'd like to share with you.  
> Long ago I was asked to translate an excerpt from book on psychology and linguistics. It was a chapter about brain trauma in people who speak more than one language. There were cases when people suffered a trauma or anything that caused damage to the brain when they woke up speaking a language their relatives didn't know. They forgot their own native language but could still speak another language fluently. It was something about how language knowledge is stored in different parts of the brain and while some of it can be lost, other parts remained. I think even scientists were mystified by it. So it's something I remember to this day and I was reminded of it while I was writing this. It sounds similar, right?  
> Well, this is all about today's scientific lesson, kids! 😁   
> Of course I don't claim that anything I said in this chapter is scientifically accurate. But it's a nice interpretation, I think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Adrien strives towards a more balanced life, he finds something more too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did any of you think I'd leave them to suffer for too long? Nah, I didn't think so. Of course this was bound to end quickly.   
> And why not end it with a touch of miraculous cure and a bit of fluff? This is how I love to do things! Enjoy!

Adrien lost track of time as he started implementing changes in his life. It was weeks that turned into months. But he didn’t count them. With Marinette’s help, he did his best to make sure that everyone he came into contact with didn’t suspect that there was anything out of the ordinary going on with him. At the same time, he subtly and gradually started acting in a way that according to him and Marinette better reflected his true self.

It wasn’t easy, that was certain. While most of his friends readily accepted his more open and emotional nature, he had to be particularly careful with how he handled his father. He was sure he didn’t want to be treated in the way his father was accustomed to. But if he rebelled openly, he only risked being grounded and pulled out of school. It was slow and painful, but he started voicing his own opinion and tried to make his father see things from his own perspective. 

His father, as expected, wasn’t happy about that. But once he understood that this was not just a phase, that his son really wanted changes in his life, he relented. Nathalie, surprisingly, backed Adrien in his attempts to gain more freedom, which might have played a role in his father’s position on the matter. 

Some found it harder to accept the changes in Adrien, for example Chloe who couldn’t understand why he had imposed some boundaries in their friendship and didn’t seem as unperturbed by her over-the-top behaviour with him as before. 

Marinette was his rock in all this. At school, she was always nearby. She never attracted attention by making it obvious that they were much closer than before, but still made sure that she could give him a sign if there was something he needed to pay attention to. 

The result was that he could stand his ground in a firm but fair way. In that way, no one could take advantage of him and he didn’t feel exhausted physically or mentally just because he put himself last. It was a lesson Marinette learned too, because she also found it hard to say no and as a result often took on more than she could do without overtaxing herself. He was happy that this exercise helped not only him but her as well.

He relied too much on her at the beginning and he quickly realised it wasn’t something he wanted to keep in the long term. It didn’t feel like a step forward from the life he didn’t want for himself. So he tried to trust his own judgement and turn to her only when he found himself at a dead end. And he really needed to learn to do this fast because at home he was on his own. He had only her encouraging words to fall back on, but it was ultimately him that faced his father and dealt with all the things in his home life. 

Of course, with everything else gradually shifting, his relationship with Marinette changed too. His lady, his partner, was still his best friend. But while he’d thought he’d loved her before, he realised his feelings could run deeper in a way he hadn’t imagined possible. Because while they’d trusted each other before, implicitly, they grew impossibly close after his memory loss. They learned to rely on each other, while also giving each other strength to stand on their own. Together they overcame difficulties but they also learned to enjoy life. They cried together, but they laughed so much more too.

No matter what he did, what problems were on his mind or what social situation he tried to navigate, she was always on his mind too. His feelings for her, they never went away. He focused on other things and he always remembered to give her space, but his love was always there. He knew it would have to wait until he could devote his attention to it and there was also the matter of Marinette’s secret love interest. So he tried not to think too much about it.

Overall, he felt in a good place. His life felt more balanced. He learned to deal with his emotions, no longer forced to stifle them or let them run without rein at inappropriate times. He could express them in a healthy way, by staying true to himself and also not hurting anyone else on purpose too. 

But there were still days when it felt too difficult. When finding the right balance was just too hard. When he felt lost all over again. Because while he’d found his way to what made him himself without his memories, at least Marinette convinced him this was the case, there was still this gaping whole inside him. And at times the absence of his old self was more pronounced, leaving him to feel unsettled. 

It was one such day, when no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t do the right thing. He felt low and of course Marinette felt it, because they were really attuned to each other’s moods. That was why later that evening they were on a rooftop, somewhere they could talk without distractions.

“Tell me what bothers you,” she said, the way she did whenever she saw that he was not his usual cheerful self. Or the more moderate version of that he’d learned to accept. There was nothing wrong with not feeling ok and showing it to the world. No one should expect you to be happy all the time, she’d told him again and again. It was all about balance, not allowing himself to jump to extremes.

“I just feel off. I know I shouldn’t, but I keep wondering if all this is real. How much of this is really me. If a part of me is missing, can I really be whole ever again? Will anyone accept me like that, broken as I am?”

He looked down at his hands, hating this feeling, hating having to worry her too with his insecurities. She was always there for him, he knew that, but he still didn’t like to let his shortcomings trouble her. 

“Adrien,” she said and her firm tone made him look up and meet her eyes. In them he saw something he hadn’t seen before. A determination mixed with a softness that for some reason made his heart race. 

“There is something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I always put off. It’s a bad habit I can’t break, no matter how hard I try. I convinced myself it was just not the right time to talk about this while you’re trying to find yourself, but it was just another convenient excuse. I’m done with that, so hear me out.”

He nodded encouragingly. He felt that something important was coming. 

“I… I love you. I’ve always loved you,” she added, probably in response to his shocked expression. Because he totally hadn’t seen that coming. “I couldn’t show you in the right way before. And then… well, a lot happened. I found that while I thought I knew you before, I was obviously not right. But when I got to know you better, when I accepted the parts I’d only attributed to Chat before as part of yourself, my feelings only grew stronger.”

His heart was beating so fast, the blood so loud in his ears, that he thought he hadn’t heard right. But while she looked away, a little shy, her voice remained confident as she continued.

“I have loved seeing you find your true self. I know it’s a work in progress. This is true about all of us, but especially about you at this moment. But you’ve made great progress. You’ve learned so much about yourself, you’ve learned to live in a better way. And being by your side in all this only made me love you more. I know this may not be the right moment for this. That you still need to deal with many things before you can devote time and energy to romantic feelings, but I want you to know it. Never doubt even for a second the fact that I love all of you. For me, you’re the kindest, bravest, most loving person in the whole world. And there is no one else I’d rather love.”

He blinked hard as he felt his eyes mist over. He’d felt her acceptance, her support. But he hadn’t known that he needed to hear her say it out loud. And he hadn’t even dared dream that she could love him in the way he wanted her to. 

He was moving towards her before he made the conscious decision to do it. And still he reined in the impulse that told him to sweep her off her feet and just kiss her. Instead, he gently took her in his arms as she looked at him with wide eyes. 

“Is this ok?” he whispered, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. 

“Yes,” she whispered back. It was as if they were both afraid to break the spell by speaking louder. 

“I want to kiss you,” he whispered, glancing at her pink lips before meeting her eyes again.

“I want to kiss you too,” she said, a shy smile accompanying the most adorable blush on her cheeks. 

It was only then that he let himself lean in and kiss her. It was soft and sweet. But before he could pull back, not wanting to push his luck, her hands were in his hair and holding him closer. He felt a hunger rise in him, a feeling he’d kept under control for so long that it was now doing it’s best to break free. He realised he didn’t have to hold back when she showed him she wanted this too. 

When her lips opened and she sighed, her warm breath caressing his lips, he took the invitation. And he soon lost himself in her warmth and her taste. He’d longed for this moment for so long that he couldn’t get enough of her. Their breathing grew heavy, their gasps mingled as they returned for yet another kiss. 

And this was when it happened. His heart, so full of love it was overflowing, skipped a beat as a feeling flashed through his mind. It was so foreign, so obviously not belonging in the moment, that it made him pull back. 

“Adrien,” he heard Marinette’s ragged whisper. He blindly lifted his hand to place a finger on her lips. As a sign to keep quiet. He rested his forehead on hers, his eyes still closed.

He’d felt protectiveness. An incredible feeling of wanting to keep her safe. He knew it was about Marinette, it couldn’t be about anyone else. And then another feeling. A warmth, a confusing but pleasant sensation of being whole as he held her. It was a vague memory in his mind of not exactly hugging her, were they dancing? Then another one. An uncertainty, a stab of jealousy? Accompanied by a picture in his mind of her with Luka. Regret and doubt, so much self-doubt, as he tried to apologise for a bad joke. 

The moments flew before his eyes. Every one leaving a fleeting feeling. There was his pride, battling with his growing fear, as he tried to save her again and again. That need to impress her, to prove his worth left a bitter aftertaste when they were gone. 

He felt his fingers dig into her side. He was trying to ground himself in the storm of emotions. Marinette, thankfully, just held him. 

The memories were so many, each of them bringing an emotion he tried to understand. To name. But it was so overwhelming. Then, as suddenly as it had started, it was over. For the moment.

He lifted his head after a minute, his heart still beating wildly.

“M’lady,” he said, “I love you.” He’d felt the need to say it. Because it was her, it was her love and her acceptance and the incredible feeling of having her so close. It had done it.

“I love you too, kitty,” she said. Her eyes searched his. Because she knew something had happened but she was waiting for him to say it. 

“I remember. I… It’s so hard to explain. It was like I remembered moments with you, but it was the emotions accompanying them that stood out. Because before I still remembered vaguely what had happened before. But it was always this emptiness that I felt. As if I was seeing things from a distance without really experiencing them. Now I felt it all. I remembered. Thanks to you,” he said, closing his eyes and hugging her tight.

“Oh Adrien,” she said as her arms tightened around him. 

“Your love helped me remember,” he murmured in her hair. 

“Our love,” she breathed, her lips tickling his neck with a feather-light touch where her face was buried. 

He’d learned to control his emotions but it was the one he couldn’t hold in check that had given him that when he’d surrendered to it. A piece of him he’d thought forever lost. And maybe, with time, there would be more. They could wait. They now knew it was possible. Together they were strong enough to deal with everything. 


End file.
